


Malibu Xander's Dream House

by Delilah_Joy



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Demons Made Them Do It, Fake Wedding, First Time, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-01-14
Updated: 2010-01-14
Packaged: 2017-10-06 07:18:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/51105
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delilah_Joy/pseuds/Delilah_Joy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A giant child-like demon forces Xander to be her "dolls" and play the way she wants them to.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Malibu Xander's Dream House

“In addition to looking very much like human children--well, aside from the obvious differences in size and strength, that is...” Giles’s voice was shaking slightly from the jostling. “...Perrnath demons have very child-like temperaments, as well.”

“Right,” Xander said, trying to get comfortable on the angular pink couch.  “Except for the part where they crave human flesh.”

Giles’s voice was muffled for a moment as his shirt was jerked roughly over his head.  He emerged from the bottom of the garment, bare-chested and annoyed-looking, and tried to get a hand free to straighten his glasses.  “Well, yes.  But the point is, they like to play, and they have a short attention span.  If we can just keep her entertained until she’s distracted by something else, we should be...oh, for God’s sake.”  

Xander watched as the demon--fifteen feet tall with rosy cheeks and blonde pigtails--pulled at Giles’s pants, yanking sharply until the button popped off.  And--okay, there was naked Giles, legs swinging free and kicking ineffectually at the big dimpled fists gripping his waist.  Xander averted his eyes, taking a sudden interest in the scratchy white lace of his sleeve, but not before several disquieting words--among them “pendulous,” “foreskin,” and for some reason, “scimitar”--bounced through his head like a porny version of the SAT.

Xander stood up and turned away to give Giles some privacy and to reflect on the ways in which this situation was laughable and not at all awkward or arousing.  Because naked Giles?  No big deal.  In the grand scheme of things, naked Giles was no more or less interesting than clothed Giles.  If Xander were on _Jeopardy_, and the answer “Naked Giles” popped up on the screen, the correct question would certainly not be “Who’s been making surprise guest appearances in Xander’s nightly film festival for the last several months?”  

Xander moved awkwardly across the plastic floor--after his own undressing and redressing, he was beginning to think that “walking in heels” was the kind of hard-won achievement that could be listed proudly on a resumé--and stopped in front of the window.  Which was not so much a window as a window-sized sticker stuck to the wall, taunting him with a pleasant vista of grass and sun and sky that did not actually exist inside the pink-flowered nightmare that was the Perrnath demon’s lair.

He could hear Giles muttering indignantly as the demon stuffed him into a new outfit, and after a minute or two, he felt the thump of a body being tossed back into the dollhouse.  When he turned around, he couldn’t help smiling; Giles was sitting on the floor next to the plastic fireplace, dressed in an ill-fitting black satin tuxedo, a top hat perched jauntily on his head.

“Looking suave there, buddy,” Xander said.  “I’m torn: penguin joke?  Butler joke?  Too many choices.”

Giles gave him a scathing look.  “Yes, very funny, coming from the man in the puffy taffeta gown.”  He stood up, holding onto the edge of the daisy-shaped coffee table for support.  His shoes, shiny black loafers which appeared to be made of vinyl, seemed to be giving him some trouble.  “As I was trying to say before,  Perrnath demons don’t eat their food until they’re tired of playing with it.  Just keep doing what she wants us to do, and we should be able to buy some time until help arrives or we have an opportunity to escape.  And apparently, what she wants us to do...”    

“Yeah, got it,” Xander said, struggling to stay upright as the demon pressed a mass of white netting onto his head.  A bouquet of plastic lilies jabbed him in the chest, and he accepted it as gracefully as possible.  “Mr. and Mrs. Tony Harris request the pleasure of your company at the insane mandatory wedding of their son Alexander...”  He trailed off as giant hands encircled the two of them and lifted them into the air.

*****

  
Giles had been hoping that this experience might at least give him a chance to learn something about Perrnath mating rituals, but either Perrnath weddings were very similar to human ones, or this particular demon had been watching a lot of television.  He’d been set down in front of a large rose-covered trellis on the dollhouse patio, and he watched as his fiancé of twenty minutes was frog-marched down the aisle by a demon grunting a song that sounded very much like “Here Comes the Bride.”  Xander looked absurd, of course, wrapped in lace and tulle--everything about this was absurd--but given the new direction that Giles’s feelings about the young man had taken lately, he found the romantic implications of the situation somewhat unsettling.  Not that he’d been fantasizing about weddings; certainly not weddings in which one of them was wearing a dress.  Actually, in his more vivid flights of fancy, neither of them was wearing very much at all.

The demon plonked Xander down next to Giles and nudged their hands together with one pudgy finger.  Reluctantly, because this wasn’t what Xander wanted--wasn’t what he wanted either, not like this--Giles took Xander’s hand in his own.  

Xander leaned close; when he spoke, Giles could feel warm breath on his ear.  “This isn’t gonna be one of those situations where it turns out this actually means something, right?  Like we’re forever bound together by demon law?”

Giles shook his head.  “I doubt it.  Perrnath society is rather chaotic; they’ve never formed any kind of legislative body.  As a race, they’re a bit disorganized and...well, cranky.” 

The demon sat down cross-legged and peered at the two of them, grinning in a way that might be sweet if it weren’t so terrifying.  

“Akkvo blendarvig,” she said solemnly.

Giles and Xander glanced at one another.  “‘Dearly beloved,’ I’m guessing,” Giles whispered.  He couldn’t help smiling faintly as he met Xander’s eyes through the netting of the veil.  His tuxedo was itchy and oddly cut, tight in a number of unfortunate places, and there was a good chance he was going to be eaten by a gargantuan toddler before the day was through.  But Xander’s hand was warm and their fingers were twined together.  That counted for something.  

The demon poked Giles in the chest and looked at him expectantly.  He realized she was waiting for him to say something.

“Er...I, Rupert Giles,” he began, watching to see if this was what he was supposed to be doing.  The demon beamed, then reached out to gently turn his head, so that he and Xander were facing one another.  Giles flushed and continued speaking.  “I, Rupert Giles, take thee, Alexander Harris to be my wedded...partner.”  He glanced at the demon, who seemed to find this acceptable.  She was wearing an “aww” expression that, just for a second, looked uncannily like Willow’s.  

Giles turned back to Xander, whose sardonic smile seemed genuinely warm, even as it acknowledged the ludicrous nature of their situation.  “In sickness and in health,” Giles continued, returning Xander’s smile as he tried to remember other phrases he’d heard used in wedding vows.  “For richer or for poorer.  Forsaking all others.  As long as we both shall live.”

The demon clapped happily, and gave Xander a nudge with her fingertip.  “Yeah, I know,” he said.  “Don’t get pushy.  I, Alexander Harris, take you, Rupert Giles, to be my...main man in a more-than-ex-librarian type way, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, as long as we both shall live, which I’m really hoping will be longer than just this afternoon.”

They glanced at the demon, who looked as if she expected more.  Giles tentatively stepped forward and lifted the veil from Xander’s face.  “I suppose she wants us to...” he said softly.

“Right,” Xander said, trying for a smile.  “We either do it ourselves or she smushes our faces together.”

For a moment, they just looked at one another, and Giles wasn’t sure, but he thought he caught a glimpse of something like naked hope in Xander’s face.  Then he disentangled his hand and moved it up to the back of Xander’s neck, feeling warm skin and scratchy fabric.  He closed his eyes and leaned forward.  And they were kissing.

  


*****

 

  
Oh God, they were kissing.  And Xander couldn’t pretend he didn’t like it, couldn’t pretend it was something he’d never thought about.  It was sweet and warm and soft, and God, it was _Giles_, and something in him just melted away.  His breath quickened, and then there was absolutely no denying that there were tongues involved, and two things occurred to Xander: one, that this was maybe more than was required, strictly speaking, for a demonic Barbie doll wedding; and two, that his gown wasn’t designed to allow for any body parts to...expand during the course of the ceremony.

He pulled back, breaking the kiss.  He was afraid to look at Giles’s face; he looked, instead, at the lifeless roses, the plastic flagstone path.  He felt uprooted, like his connection to the world wasn’t as sturdy as he’d thought it was.  And then he really was being pulled upward, into the air, and he was lifted and undressed and unceremoniously dumped into bed with his naked new fake-husband. 

  


*****

  
Oh, dear lord.  This just kept getting worse.  Rupert pulled the coverlet--a horrid fluffy zebra-striped thing made entirely of synthetic fibers--up over the two of them to afford them a modicum of modesty.  The kiss had been...well, it had been a very good performance on Xander’s part, he’d leave it at that.  It had certainly _felt_ genuine, but he couldn’t really trust his judgment.  Mortal danger can turn anyone into a convincing actor.

“Do you think she’s done with us?” Xander whispered.  “Maybe she’ll...oh.”  He stopped talking as the demon reached into the dollhouse and slid the two men closer together on the bed.  Rupert could feel Xander’s body touching his at the shoulder and the thigh.  The demon said something to them, urgent and garbled. 

“I’m afraid she has some idea that we’re supposed to...” Giles said hesitantly.

He felt Xander tremble.  Christ, the poor boy was horrified by the thought.

“Honeymoon. huh?”  Xander’s voice squeaked; he cleared his throat.  “That’s pretty advanced.  I, uh, thought they were supposed to be like 4-year-old kids?”

“Yes, well, the parallel only carries so far.  Listen, Xander, we needn’t make it very realistic.  If we stay under the blanket and just...”

He was interrupted by the alarming thumping motion of the bed, which the demon had begun to bang up and down impatiently.  She let out a fearsome growl, and for the first time, they could see the sharp points of her teeth.  And if the reddish-brown stains were any indication, he and Xander weren’t the only...playthings she’d enjoyed today.  

“You know what?” Xander said.  “We’re going for realism.”  He pulled Giles closer and kissed him fiercely on the lips.

  


 

*****  
  


  
With the small part of his brain not busy providing color commentary for the spelunking expedition that his intrepid tongue was making into the mysterious cavern of Giles’s mouth, Xander decided that if they ever got out of here alive, he was going to send the Perrnath demon a thank-you note.  Maybe even a pink plastic convertible.  Because this one blood-thirsty monster-child had done what no teacher or guidance counselor had ever been able to: forced Xander to focus on what he wanted most out of life.  Which was, pretty much, more of this.

They were already naked, and they couldn’t waste time on shyness or hesitation, so there was no sense of wading in slowly; it was a full, immediate plunge into carnal sensation.  Within seconds, they were pressed together, legs entwined, arms reaching, endless stretches of skin against skin.  Xander was panting and kissing, rubbing everywhere he could touch, too frantic to focus on specifics--no gentle nipping at an earlobe or slowly teasing a nipple until it wrinkled beneath his fingers.  He wanted to feel all of Giles, the whole man, every bit of him.  

And then he shifted, rolling them over, and there was Giles’s cock, hard and hot against his thigh.  He gasped at the feel of it, the pure physical revelation--Giles wanted this, Giles wanted _him_\--and he nearly came right then.  He thrust upward until their cocks touched, a feeling like lightning harnessed between them.  They were still kissing, needy and open-mouthed, but as they ground together, Xander broke away for a moment, and his gaze locked with Giles’s.  His breath caught in his chest.  The look on Giles’s face was open and vulnerable, a little bit worried.  Xander reached up and ran a hand along Giles’s cheek, feeling the roughness of stubble under his palm.  They were sliding against one another, drops of pre-come slicking their skin, and as Xander looked up at Giles, something passed between them, some spark of understanding.  Xander felt himself smile, and he saw Giles’s lips curve upward in return.  And he knew that, whatever happened, he wasn’t in this alone.

  


*****

  
Xander smiled at him, and he felt something expand in his chest.  This wasn’t just because of the demon; this was real, and--oh, God--he felt his cock ooze at the thought of it.  Everything sped up, became more urgent, and Rupert slid down Xander’s body, glancing over his shoulder as he went.  The demon was watching them with wide eyes; apparently, they were putting on a good show.  He turned back to Xander and took a minute to look at his body for the first time: the taut chest smooth and almost hairless, the fat cock rising from the mass of dark curls.  He had imagined this so often, and to have it here in front of him was almost overwhelming.  He leaned down to lick the head of Xander’s cock, warm and salty, and when he heard Xander moan from somewhere high on the bed, he bent to take the whole length into his mouth.  It was years since he’d done this, but his body remembered everything: how to relax his throat, how to move up and down, head bobbing, tongue swiping.  He couldn’t wait anymore, and he reached a hand down to grasp his own prick, jerking himself to the same rhythm.  He wasn’t going to last long, and he didn’t think Xander was, either.  He increased his pace, sucking, licking, pulling, until he heard Xander gasp and breathe, “Giles, I’m gonna...”  And then there was the harmony of coming as he felt Xander come, his mouth filling and his cock spurting at the same moment, and he lay for a moment with his cheek on Xander’s belly, sated and loose and happy.

Xander reached down and touched his shoulder, pulling him up for a kiss.  And then they turned together to look at the demon, like gymnasts waiting for the judges’ score.  She was sitting in front of the dollhouse, her hands in her lap, rocking back and forth in a way that was uncomfortably sexual.  She didn’t look like she was about to eat them, but neither did she look like she was losing interest with them.

“Maybe we’re entertaining her _too_ much,” Xander whispered, his breath warm on Rupert’s skin.  They watched as the demon stiffened and sighed, and for a moment, her eyes fell shut, and it seemed possible she might go to sleep.  Rupert put a warning hand on Xander’s arm, ready to signal him the moment he thought it was safe to act.  But then the demon yawned and seemed to get a second wind.  She smiled happily and reached into the bedroom to pluck Xander from the bed.

Giles watched, alarmed, but it became apparent that Xander wasn’t in danger; the demon was merely returning to the game of dressing and undressing.  This time, Giles was the girl, and a few minutes later, he found himself wearing a pink negligee, reclining on a white vinyl chaise, in front of a stick-on fire.  Xander, dressed in a burgundy running suit, was placed just outside the front door.  Through the open face of the house, Rupert could see Xander pause for a moment before shrugging and putting his hand on the pink doorknob. 

“Honey,” he called, walking into the plastic foyer.  “I’m home.”

*****

  


  
It was three hours more before Buffy, Willow and Riley arrived, three hours in which Xander and Giles took on the roles of cheerleader and football hero, lifeguard and policewoman, and--well, Xander wasn’t entirely sure how to categorize the third set of outfits, but his best guess was hooker and soccer hooligan, which he thought would be a hell of a super-duo.  Somewhere in there, there had also been another sweaty, rapturous half-hour on top of the zebra-print bedspread, which Xander had to admit was growing on him.

When their three rescuers burst in, immediately beheading their terrifying and adorable captor, Xander and Giles were in the middle of a complicated scene involving an astronaut reluctant to admit his attraction to a sexy nurse.  He knew how it must look, Xander poured into a form-fitting mylar jumpsuit, slowly watzing across the patio with Nurse Giles, whose white miniskirt exposed legs that were shapely but nevertheless quite hairy.  But he couldn’t really bring himself to care.  

“So,” Buffy said, stepping away from the headless corpse and casting a critical eye over the pair frozen in mid-slow-dance.  “I’m guessing this is one of those ‘let us never speak of it again’ situations.  Why don’t we wait outside while you guys...I don’t know, give each other lobotomies, or whatever it’s going to take to get back to normal.”

The three newcomers turned and walked out, leaving Xander and Giles standing in their plastic love nest, still in each other’s arms.  They looked at each other and started to laugh as the absurdity of the whole thing washed over them.  Then, hesitantly, Giles leaned forward and gave Xander a kiss.

“I rather think,” he said, “that getting back to normal isn’t necessarily my objective.”

Xander reached up and ran his hand down the back of Giles’s head, finishing by making slow circles on the back of his neck.  “Yeah,” he said.  “I’m gonna have to go with...yeah.”  And he pulled Giles in for another kiss.

They kissed for a long minute, slow and languorous in a way they couldn’t be before.  “Well, I guess we should get changed,” Xander said finally, looking around to see where the demon had tossed his clothes.  But Giles put a hand on his jaw and turned him back until they were facing each other.

“Actually,” Giles said, his eyes flashing in a way that made Xander’s blood race.  “I don’t see any harm in keeping the astronaut uniform.”

  



End file.
